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January 18 'Twas the Month after ChristmasGood day, everyone!
I have lost 6 pounds since New Years Day. This is a good thing. I would like to lose another 20 by the summer, and am working toward that. My Dad's wife forwarded this delightful poem to my email. It made me laugh because I can sooooo relate. I thought I would share with you.
Enjoy!
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste All the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The juice and the cookies, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please." As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt-- I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" So-away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip Every last bit of food that I like must be banished "Till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won't have a cookie -- not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! November 18 Jokes about the Job SearchThe first 2 days at the new job have been pretty good. I'm back in a large corporation again, so I guess I'll have to get around to changing my profile. I'm learning a lot and I've met tons of people in the past 2 days.....I just can't remember half of their names! Oh well....It will take time to adjust.
Since I have been focussing on the job search lately, my friend sent this to me and I found it hilarious. Maybe they're legit. Maybe they're made up. I don't know..... Some of them made me laugh out loud so I thought I'd share.
 Errors found in Resumes: The following quotations were taken from resumes and cover letters from all over the country.
"I am very detail-oreinted."
"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."
"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."
"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."
"Served as assistant sore manager."
"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."
"Special skills: Thyping."
"I can play well with others."
"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."
"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."
"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."
"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
"Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."
"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."
"I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."
"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
"Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."
"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."
"I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."
"Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."
"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."
"Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."
"Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."
"Typing Speed: 756 wpm."
"Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."
"ONCE FOCUSED ON AN OBJECTIVE, I BELIEVE MYSELF TO HAVE AN UNDYING LUST FOR SUCCESS WITH ACCURACY AND EFFECIENCY."
"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
"Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."
"Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."
"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."
"Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."
Errors found in Cover Letters:
"Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
"Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."
"I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt."
"Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
October 26 Just a joke for todayHow to Treat a Rude Customer
An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport. A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*ck You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too." October 20 More Funny StuffWell....becuase I dont have time to actually WRITE anything.
More funny stuff sent to me by Cheryl. Thanks Cheryl!
October 14 Fun stuff for a FridayCheck out this link. There are some absolutely amazing carved pumpkins here. Wouldn't you hate to live next door to this guy? ..... I mean, my poor excuse for a jack-o-lantern would pale in comparison. The Pumpkin Gutter.
Thanks for sending this Cheryl
 Now, I dont have much use for Dr. Phil. I personally don't understand why he is as popular as he is. I mean people pay their hard earned money to get weight loss advice from a fat man???? Anyway, here is an intersting twist on one of his pithy slogans.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
And here are some funny pics, coincidentally also sent to me by Cheryl.
September 19 Jokes about ShrubHello everyone. We had a great weekend at the cottage! Just what I needed! Will have some new posts this week.
For now, here are some some jokes about Dubya, aka Shrub (little Bush), aka George W. Bush, president of the U.S.A......well... he's just such an easy target.
 Who's on First: 2005 version
A conversation between George W Bush and Condoleeza Rice
Thanks for sending this one Mom!
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The main man in China! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars.
And now an Ethics Question. Thanks for sending this one Terry!
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.
You have two options-you can save the life of G.W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
September 12 Funny StuffI'm going to get off the political bent for a moment, and just give you some jokes. Not much to tell about my life since the long weekend....work work, busy busy...same old same old.
Sooooo anywhoooo....
Check out this link to a very funny animated video about the price of gasoline.
It's got a catchy little tune, so crank your speakers.
***********************
Church
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain." "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible ... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either". Thanks for sending this, Cheryl!
***********************
Here are some pictures to tickle your funnybone.
August 27 Learning from KidsOK, that last entry was just too whiny. So here's something really funny to lighten up the space a bit.
For those with no children - this is totally hysterical...
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control... The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: Things I've learned from my Boys (honest)... 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy. 11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. 25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.  August 12 Questions Without AnswersWow! I just gotta say Wow! Thanks for all the wonderful memories you shared with me on yesterday's blog entry about Nostalgia and the Sense of Smell.
Today, I haven't a creative bone in my body, and I can't think of anything to write. However, I just received an amusing email from Cheryl that I thought I would share with you. It is below: "Questions Without Answers". Well maybe some of them actually HAVE answers but they are kinda like Arsenio Hall's old feature: "Things That Make You Go Hmmmm." For all I know, maybe they were even pilfered from Arsenio Hall. (Oh boy, I sure am dating myself with the Arsenio reference, eh!)
Almost time to start the weekend and I am soooooo looking forward to getting out of here and meeting up with my friend and cracking this bottle of Yellow Tail Merlot that I have here under my desk.
Questions Without Answers
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in, for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when most babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Have a great weekend everyone!
July 29 Leavin ya with some jokesGotta Love Windows
Things you say at the office which sound dirty, but aren't.
New Fire Hazard Warning
Who Enjoys it More?
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response. "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger? Pay Attention to this guy
Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one. These kids have disccovered something..........
Sign, sign, everywhere a sign.
Looks can be deceiving!
July 15 Sh!ts and GigglesWell folks, thanks very much for visiting.
I'll be away at the Northern cottage for a while, and dont think I'll be posting anything next week.
Thought I would leave you with some funny stuff that I've received from friends recently.
First, check out this link. You Don't Know Jack Schitt. This is Hilarious.
And here are some funny pics.....
Here is a good reason NOT to be a bullfighter. OUCH!
Guys, here's a great haircut to get before a long boring seminar.
Payback time for Mr. Mouse!
For those times when you've accidentally hit SEND.....
Hidden Settings you didnt know your computer had.
This one was sent to me by a friend in Calgary, I swear!
And one last joke before I go.....
*****************************************
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around during the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Sincerely, Me *****************************************
Take care, everyone.
Peace.
Cat July 12 First a joke...real post laterGood morning!
Geez, I feel like I've been out of touch for so long and its only been a few days. I see there have been a lot of comments on my last post. Thanks for your contributions. I have some catching up to do.
Had another wonderful weekend. This time we went to my Mom's husband's cottage. Completely different cottage experience from the previous weekend! Both are great, both are enjoyable, but they're very different. I'll elaborate a little more later.
But GAWD it was hot. Yesterday the thermostat hit 35C in the shade! Thank god for the lake!
Seems they had a very busy day here at work while I was off yesterday so I have a lot to catch up on.
For now, here's a joke....
Bug Spray A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you.”
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.
Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"
July 04 Great Joke!Good Morning!!!
Thanks for all the wonderful comments over the weekend. It is really nice to see y'all visiting me, and I'll have to make my rounds & return the favour later tonight!
I had a very eventful weekend -- including 3 Jazz concerts, a trip to the cottage over 200 km north of Toronto, injured birds & people, new neighbours -- and I took over 240 pictures. Lots to share, but right now I gotta get to work. I'll be back later....
Also later, I'll have an entry to share from a guest writer. My hubby went to the Sonny Rollins concert on June 24th which kicked off the Toronto International Jazz Festival, and he wrote a review to share here. ~~~
To tie you over till then, here's a joke.
~~~
A prosperous old dairy farmer from someplace cold finally sold out to the local agribusiness giant and retired to Florida. Being a farmer, he liked owning lots of land, so he had to buy a big place with a large pond down near the swamp. He fixed up the pond a bit, dumped a few truckloads of sand to make a little beach, and kept a small swimming area cleared of weeds and scum. Nearby he had some picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and a stone barbeque. Shading it all was a mixed grove of fruit trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to check his fruit trees, so he grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of pretty young women skinny-dipping in his pond. As soon as they noticed him standing there watching, they all shrieked and went deeper into the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave, you dirty old man!" The old man thought for a moment, and then said "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said "I'm just here to feed the alligators."
June 23 Finally, an Explanation for Computer ProblemsComputer Problems Thanks for sending this to me, Liss. :)
Purportedly authentic conversations recorded at Computer Support Helpdesks. Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Finally, an Explanation June 14 Finally Got an iPod! & Warning About a New VirusSo I finally got my iPod yesterday and I love it! I walk to and from work every day, and carrying around that clunky CD player was getting really annoying. Last night, I put almost 300 songs on the iPod and I'm not even close to half the capacity of 6G. This is awesome! This morning, I had it shuffle my "Walking Tunes" playlist of 80 songs (fast upbeat songs for walking). Not the same old CD's! You may recall my rant about Future Shop some time ago.....Yeah......it took that long. I don't need to get into another rant....Nuf Said!
Warning About a New Virus (Ironically, this was sent to me by my customer who sends me lots of work!) This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
Update 05-05-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded that
June 07 Jokes now....a real post laterAs a former employee of a large corporation, I laughed knowingly at all of these. Luckily I do not still work for a large corporation! Enjoy!
Office talk: Understanding corporate terminology “A number of different approaches are being tried.” Translation: We are still guessing at this point.
“Close project coordination”. Translation: We sat down and had coffee together.
“An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.” Translation: We just hired three punk kids fresh out of school.
“Major technological breakthrough!” Translation: It works okay, but it looks very hi-tech.
“Customer Satisfaction is believed assured.” Translation: We are so far behind schedule that the customer will take anything.
“Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.” Translation: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
“Test results were extremely gratifying.” Translation: Amazingly, it actually worked.
“The entire concept will have to be abandoned.” Translation: The only guy who understood it just quit.
“It is in process.” Translation: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.
“We will look into it.” Translation: Forget it; we have enough problems to deal with already.
“Please note and initial.” Translation: Let’s spread the responsibility for this.
“Give us the benefit of your thinking.” Translation: We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.
“Give us your interpretation.” Translation: We can’t wait to hear your bull.
“See me or let’s discuss.” Translation: Come to my office, I’ve messed up again.
“All new.” Translation: Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
“Years of Development.” Translation: After many tries, one finally worked.
“No maintenance required.” Translation: Impossible to fix.
“Low maintenance.” Translation: nearly impossible to fix.
“Fax me the data.” Translation: I’m too lazy to write it down.
“We are following the standard process.” Translation: That’s the way we have always done it.
“I didn’t get your email.” Translation: I haven’t checked my email for days....or....I have 400 unread email in my in-box and don't have time to read any of them! June 02 Dear GodA little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
“Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.”
May 20 Birthday Wishes and a JokeFIRST ITEM OF BUSINESS...... TODAY IS JORGE’S BIRTHDAY! Go wish him a Happy Birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JORGE!!!
And now for something completely different...... A few little giggles to start your weekend. Companies have got to learn to do their research before translating their product names or slogans into other languages. Check out these major mistakes by major corporations. I just love laughing at corporations!
Lost in Translation The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"
Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."
Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.
Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.
In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."
Happy Long Weekend!!! May 18 Little Old Lady Knows How to GambleA little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
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